


Will you remember me?

by Bow_Ties



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Character Death, Dark, F/F, Hurt, i'm sorry guys, this one's not happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 18:00:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19114852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bow_Ties/pseuds/Bow_Ties
Summary: "Will you remember me? Thousands of years from now, when you have been a dozen more people, met a hundred others, seen thousands more stars die and be born, listened to millions of other voices after mine, will you still know me?"





	Will you remember me?

**Author's Note:**

> Massive thanks to emeraldsandivy / @pandora-spockz, who not only beta-ed this but also gave me the perfect ideas for the ending!

_I have been in love with you for the longest time, without ever noticing it. Not that it hadn’t been obvious, of course. From the day I first met you, I would have followed you into an inferno, as long as you would have just taken my hand and ran. I knew right away that you were the best person that had ever come into my life - or rather, fallen down into it. I told you so, soon after. From that moment onwards, I never wanted to leave you. And I haven’t, not until now._

 

_The days inside the TARDIS, they were the greatest I’ve ever had the joy of living through. How many hours I’ve spent sitting on the floor, watching you swirl around the console like it was a canvas, your hands painting intricate designs onto it with every lever switched, every button pressed. I loved you then, and I love you now._

 

_We sat together in the door sometimes, watching galaxies being born right under our dangling feet. We even watched a sun burn up once, taking its last breath in a storm of bright, blinding light. You told me that it was the way of the universe - we live, we die, everything is in a constant cycle of destruction and creation, nothing ever really stops. “There can beauty in an ending,” you said, your eyes so full of sorrow, I didn’t know how I could ever believe your words. That was the moment I made my decision._

 

_Has anyone ever told you that your kindness is breathtaking? That to witness someone who has lost so much give so freely is like a fresh flower in spring; it brings new hope to anyone who sees it._

 

_You gave me hope, so much of it._

 

_I always wondered if there had ever been someone who was able to do the same for you. Who brings you hope, Doctor? Some days I entertained the thought that it might be me. Imagine! Me, a girl you stumbled upon on a train, giving hope to the most wonderful being in the universe; a woman thousands of years old who carries the weight of entire galaxies on her shoulders._

 

_But you look so human sometimes. When your hair is all ruffled from running, or when you wear those reading glasses I always knew you don’t really need. I wished for nothing more than to reach out sometimes, to touch you, make sure you are real and not just a dream that would melt away under my fingertips. Yet I never did._

 

_I wish that I would have._

 

 _Will you remember me? Thousands of years from now, when you have been a dozen more people, met a hundred others, seen thousands more stars die and be born, listened to millions of other voices after mine, will you still know me? Will you still be able to picture my face, imagine the sound of my voice?_  
  
_Maybe I will become a faint whisper at the back of your mind, or a blurry image. Maybe I will be a picture lying somewhere on a stack, buried underneath others. And that will be alright, too._

 

_I’m not sure if it will make much of a difference, but I want to say it anyway: don’t feel guilty. I know you will, but maybe me giving you permission to let it go will help. At least eventually._

 

 _Because, Doctor, before you I didn’t understand what living actually meant. I had a life, yes, but I was not_ alive _. I was born the day you asked me my name, and I always knew I would have to be ripped away from you in order to die._

 

_You are the music that makes my soul dance._

 

_I have one request, just one. Let them know, please. Tell them what happened to me. Don’t let me be a nameless casualty in a far-away war, another number on an accident report. I want them to know who I was, and who you were to me._

 

_“Who was I to you?”_

 

_I can hear you say it, right now, in my mind. Do you really not know, I wonder? Do you really still believe that it was but an infatuation, born out of the rush of this brand-new adventurous life, like you did that day? I can still see you standing there when I close my eyes, your face turned away after I tried to kiss you, eyes full of steel. You said a single word, never to be talked about again._

 

_“No.”_

 

_I can still hear it ringing in my ears. I can still see you, the next morning, grinning and running around like nothing had happened._

 

_I do not blame you._

 

_Doctor, someday, will you let someone else love you?_

 

_Love you like I did._

 

_Because it was never just the adventure. It was never just this new life that I was overwhelmed by. It was never just the worlds you showed me, never just the things you taught me, never just the thrill of running, never just the adrenaline of danger._

 

_It was always you._

 

_The way you smile when you understand something, and the way you frown when you don’t. The way your eyes shine when you learn something new, and the way they fill with sorrow when you remember. The kindness you show to everyone around you, and the way you won’t ever hesitate to stand up for someone, no matter the consequences. The way you took my hand, and the way you always refused to let go._

 

_I have loved you, Doctor. I have loved you in every way I could, and wherever I am now, I know I will still love you._

 

_And maybe now, you will let me._

 

_Yaz_

 

 

 

A silent sob escaped her as her legs finally gave out, forcing her down onto her knees. Slowly, the paper slipped out of her hands, and she watched as a small yellow flower fell from the envelope; a memory of a day of love, a celebration that took place a long time ago.

 

She wanted to scream.

She wanted to break everything around her.

She wanted to rip the universe apart, and then herself.

 

But she couldn’t.

 

Instead, all she could do was kneel as the deafening silence of the console room was pushing into her ears, and gasp as she tried to keep her head over the darkness that was threatening to drown her very soul.

 

She screwed her eyes shut, but all it did was burn the image into her mind that she was so desperately trying to forget.

 

Yaz lying in her arms, face contorted in pain. Whispering broken, urgent words about a letter, hidden away by the TARDIS. Trying until the very moment the light in her eyes had broken to move her hands, to reach out for the Doctor.

 

The Doctor whose face and hands had been covered with Yaz’s blood.

 

The Doctor who hadn’t been fast enough, who had missed the shot by just a second.

 

The Doctor who hadn’t been brave enough to tell her the truth all those weeks ago, choosing to push her away instead.

 

Feeling like her hearts were about to break out of her chest, she finally let her head fall back, a scream ripping through her, finding its way out of her very soul into the TARDIS and reverberating around its corridors as if coming from a million mouths instead of just one.

 

She screamed until her voice was hoarse, until she was out of breath and the world around her started blurring at the edges, and then she continued until she could no longer feel anything except a crippling emptiness tearing her apart from the inside. Then she sank down, letting her body come to rest on the cold floor of the TARDIS, reaching out towards the flower.

 

The last echoes of her scream fled down the corridors, disappearing around the corners, and all she did was lie still; losing track of time for maybe the first time in her life, the flower pressed against her hearts, empty eyes staring at nothing.

 

She wasn’t sure whether it was minutes, hours, or maybe even days later when she felt a soft nudge at the edge of her mind. She looked up at the console out of the corner of her eye, unable to move her head, a tired question in her eyes.

 

The response was a light slowly starting to pulse behind her. She tried ignoring it at first, tried closing her eyes, but the nudging in her mind only became more insistent.

 

Finally, she turned around, half crawling, half dragging herself over to the steps surrounding her console.

 

As she slid down the steps, turning to see, she felt her breath catch in her throat and finally the tears started to fall down her cheeks, each one of them cutting into her hearts and leaving open wounds behind.

 

Slowly, she reached out, her hand touching the cold metal, fingers tracing the delicate language of her people.

 

_Yaz_

 

There she was, among all the others she had lost, softly gleaming in a last goodbye.

 

And in that moment, the Doctor made a decision. Pressing her hand firmly against the shape engraved into the steps, she decided that for once, she wouldn’t lie. For once, she would tell the truth.

 

She closed her eyes, leaning down to let her forehead come to rest against the name, and softly whispered her truth against it, like a first and final kiss.

 

“I loved you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> ... I'm sorry?
> 
> If you need some fluff after this, I have an ongoing Thasmin AU ("Ech si frou mat Dir") with lots of that ;) I'd love it if you'd go check it out! :)
> 
> Come scream at me on Tumblr! I'm @fuxdeiflswued and always open for a chat :)


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